Urban Rush

Well, I probably should be washing a load of laundry, rummaging through my closet, trying to put together a half-way decent outfit to wear.  I probably should have gotten a haircut, or at least a trim.  I haven’t had scissors to hair since June.  I should probably be conjuring up some sort of clever repartee, making up imaginary conversations in my head, so that when Michael and Fiona, (the hosts of Urban Rush) ask me something when I show up at the studio today, cameras rolling, I don’t look at them blankly and stare off into the distance. 

But I am doing none of the get-yourself-together-to-be-a-public-person things.  I am sitting on the sofa, blogging to you, wearing some exercise gear as if wearing the outfit, makes up for not actually getting on the treadmill and exercising.

And it’s not that I’m dreading going on Urban Rush, I’m not.  I really like Michael and Fiona.  They are always nice to me, fun to chat to.  They’ve always prepped and read the book and are quite intelligent to talk to.  The producers are congenial, as is the crew.  I’m happy to go, chat for a while. 

It’s just, I think, that I’m going through a phase of wanting to hibernate, snuggle down into my nest, and solitude, and I think part of that longing comes from over booking this Fall. 

Snuggling down is not an option.  BUT here’s what I’ve decided to do.  I’ve promised myself that I won’t take on anything more until next Fall.  I am going to give myself a huge patch of time to write, read, and savor the Spring with my family.  It is my youngest child’s last year of High School.  Then he is planning on going to spend some time with his Dad and study there and whatnot. 

This is my last year of being a full-time, hands on Mom.  And it’s an odd feeling.  I can’t even imagine what it is going to be like, to not have school schedules to adhere to and hot breakfasts to make, and so on.  I’ve been doing this for over 24 years.  It’s seems impossible to believe that this phase of my life is soon going to be over.

And yes, there will be the next phase, a different phase, and I’ll probably find much to enjoy and embrace about all that freedom, but there is a slight hesitancy as well.  A pausing at the edge of the diving board, wondering if I will remember how to swim, a worry that the water will be too cold.

And yes, of course my children will always be in my life, and me in theirs.  But it’s different when they are grown and off, living their lives.  It’s a different kind of mothering that is required.  A stepping back.  A letting go.  A trying not to over-protect and control.  Because really, how would I know what would be best for them.  There are changes that occur.  Life that has been lived on both sides.  And none of us are exactly the same person that we were the last time we saw each other.  And so there is that adjustment, that awkward bumping, sorting out, and then we all go off again. 

So, anyway, I am not going to plan anything for the rest of the year.  After I finish my obligations this Fall, I am going to tuck down, cook way too much food, take long walks, and try to be in the moment, and enjoy my boy and the end of this stage of mothering.

Posted by Meg Tilly on Thursday, September 25, 2008 in Chewing the Fat

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