The shifting horizon

I am sitting here in the living room, Will bumping around overhead, sorting through things, deciding what he wants to bring to London.  Every once in a while he calls down, should I bring this?  Should I bring that? 

It’s hard for me to sit down here and let him go at it.  I wish I could race up there and help sort, but really, it wouldn’t be a help.  Only he knows what he wants to bring, what he can do without.

So hard to get my mind around the fact that he’s actually going to go.  That his bags are actually going to get packed, the plane is going to be caught and the next phase will have stepped over the threshold and be a reality.

And I know people are thinking, oh Meg, get over yourself, it’s not such a big deal, he’ll be home for holidays, for a few years anyway, no biggie.

But it is.  I know how much things change.  Don’t forget, I’ve had two children leave home and grow up all ready.  It’s different.  It’s nice in some ways, but in other ways not. 

My friend, E__c, whose show I’m going to do the cameo on, sent me pictures of his adorable little kids.  Cute little moffets.  One crawling, and teething, the other racing around the house, and it was such a mix looking at the photos, like, oh my I remember those ages and all that goes with it.  The warm snuggly bodies, sticky fingers, sloppy I-love-you kisses.  The giggles and pitter-patter of feet.  The sorrows that would arrive suddenly and leave just as quick.  I miss all that. 

I don’t miss the sleepless nights, and worry about keeping them safe, and fed and making sure they knew they were loved.  The absolute aloneness I so often felt after they had gone to bed. 

That’s what I worry about sometimes.  I’ve been so busy, trying to make it a nice, cozy, safe peaceful, life.  Trying to dot all the i and cross the t’s.  Trying to be the best mom I can, but now?  What if when my last one goes, it is that absolute aloneness, like the wreckage left after a hurricane, grateful I survived it, but wondering, what-the-hell-was-that, and who am I now? 

I feel so different. 

I’m eating a lot.  Trying to fill the hole I guess.  Have gained back all that I lost on our trip.  Not gorging.  Just a constant nibbling. 

But the weird thing is, I’m happy as well.  Through out their childhood, an on-going litany, that was always going through my head, “Please God, let me get them safely to adulthood.  Please.“  I don’t think a day, or night went by, where I didn’t send that prayer up to the heavens, down into the earth, just on the off chance that a higher power might happen to be listening.  That was my goal.  That was my ultimate most fervent wish.  And come Tuesday, that wish will have been granted.  They will all be grown, on to the next phase of their lives, minds, bodies, limbs, mostly intact.  Good hearts, good people.  Intelligent.

I’m proud of my kids and the adults they are becoming, have become.  I made mistakes, bumbled through, but we got there, just the same.  I love my kids.  Always will. 

Am missing Will already.

Posted by Meg Tilly on Saturday, October 17, 2009 in Chewing the Fat

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