A Northern Conference afternote.  Hmm…is afternote one word or two? Maybe it’s hypenated?

Ha!  I just looked “afternote” up in the dictionary and apparently it’s not a word at all.  Tra…la!  Yes, I am a literary sort.  Just call me Meg-the-wordsmith.

Anyway, on to the serious task of blogging.  On the CWILL listserve this morning, Kirsti Walkelin (kirstiwakelin.com) had posted a link to (oh, god, some kind of technical blog site, which I could go back to and look up the name of, but it seems like a big hassle, so I’m not going to.)  Anyway, I was curious, so I clicked on the link.  Then I punched in my website name and was surprised to see that there were all these links to my site. 

It was an odd sort of hot and cold and dropping stomach feeling.  I don’t know why, I mean I know some of my more dedicated family & friends read this blog and I know I get, what I think are a lot of daily hits.  But I had no idea that other blogs blog about me. 

Which when you think about it was pretty naive.  I blog about everything under the sun, why shouldn’t everyone else? 

I didn’t read the blogs, because I was scared.  I only clicked on one.  I guess that’s one of the reasons why I don’t have a comments section on my website.  The first blog I ever read was Rosie.com.  I started reading it after she had been so kind to me on the View when I was first coming out publicly with the truth about my life.  I kept the words she’d said to me after we finished taping, tucked into a pocket in my heart and took them out and held them close to me when the fear about what I was doing threatened to overwhelm me on Book Tour.  And I looked up her site and started reading her Blog because it made me feel like I had a friend on the road when I was traveling from city to city, many times by myself.

And although her blog became like a touching stone, I was shocked to read the nasty, cruel comments that people would send her.  It made my heart feel so heavy.  Like, yeah, Rosie might sometimes come off as loud and noisy and to some people perhaps brash and obnoxious, but that is because they aren’t looking close enough.  Anyone with a little common sense can see the soft vulnerability that this cover has been developed to protect.  Anyone who has access to a computer can, with a click of a button, access ALL the good she has done, funds she has contributed, to and for the world.  If these people would just look at the actions, the deeds, they wouldn’t be able to help but see what a wide open generous, caring heart she has. 

It horrified me to see the things people would write.  So when I was working with Susie Gardner and Travis Smith (and Matt of course I just didn’t sit in a room with him)  and they said you have to have a place where people can leave Comments.  I said “no way.“ 

Hmm…where was this blog going?  I forgot.  That is one of the joys of menopause.  Let me scroll back and see.

Okay, I’m back now.  I’ll just wrap this up quickly and then write about what I was going to write about.

The other reason I decided not to have a Comments section is because I was a guest blogger on The Debutantes Ball (an author site)  And although everyone was lovely, keeping up with the comments and questions asked took ALL day.  It seemed like the minute I answered one question there were three more to be answered.  I didn’t get any work done on my manuscript.  And I thought to myself, on one hand, the people who wrote in were really nice and their questions were thought provoking and they were all so kind…on the other hand, I am already spending WAY too much time blogging.  If I add a Comments section I will never carve out enough time in my day to actually write another book.

So that is why there is no Comments section on this site.

NOW back to what I first started to blog about.  I clicked on one of the posts about The Northern Voices Conference, and oh-my-goodness!  Nancy White, you have absolutely NOTHING to apologize for.  (She was the Stop blogging and Start Drawing presenter, when I had my unexpected mini-melt down.)  She gave a wonderful presentation, she gave us chocolate.  Good chocolate.  She was smart and funny. 

Nancy, if you are reading this, you did not abuse me in anyway.  Your drawing exercise unexpectedly touched on a memory, a wound that I didn’t even know I was carrying anymore.  I cannot have you carrying this in any way.  If anything, it shows that your drawing stuff idea, really works and it is a great way to get in touch with what is hidden from ones conscious mind.  As well as all the great things that it seems to do for people.  Everyone seemed to really be having a great time, laughing and joking and sharing pictures. 

Please don’t carry my hurt in your heart.  It doesn’t belong there.  And in acknowledging it, hopefully, I release it as well.  It is not for either one of us to carry.  It’s a memory is all.  And if it should settle anywhere it should rest in the laps of people who do not protect and abuse small children.

Much love, Meg

Posted by Meg Tilly on Tuesday, March 18, 2008 in Chewing the Fat

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