early morning thoughts

I woke up at 5:20 am today.  I tried to hold on to my sleep wave but it didn’t work.  A million thoughts pushing sleep away.  So I lay there in bed, still very dark outside, and let the thoughts float in and then released them.  The nice thing was I didn’t hang on to any.  The “good” ones or the “bad” ones.  Just let them drift.  Maybe I’d go back to sleep, maybe I wouldn’t. 

I thought about talking to my daughter on the phone last night.  She was at a friend’s house.  She sounded happy.  I thought about Kae on The Biggest Loser and how much I admire her.  I thought about how I ate too much of my delicious pie yesterday, and that maybe instead of eating a proper breakfast this morning, I would warm up a nice slice of apple pie instead.  I thought about Cary’s sweet and thoughtful email yesterday and how grateful I was that we became friends.  I thought about getting to see Will’s play tonight and it’s a double-your-pleasure night, because my boy, Dave’s flying in as well.  I thought about how Will’s Dad is flying from England on Monday so he can visit with Will and be there for closing night.  I thought about my reading coming up in Bellingham this Tuesday and how nice it is that Will’s dad will be here so Don can come with me and I won’t have to do the jaunt across the border by myself. 

I thought about how ____ stayed to see Will’s play and is leaving tomorrow and how I don’t know if this is a permanent leaving?  Or if he is going back to do what (in my mind) needs to be done?  I thought about how I’ll feel if he doesn’t.  And honestly.  I don’t know.  I am not God.  I think I know what is right for him, best for him, but do I?  Maybe a shorter life, but going out with a reckless and angst-filled passionate bang is what would make him happy?  Maybe he doesn’t want the comfortable, slow, peaceful, perhaps boring existence that our writerly life can offer him?  I don’t know what is right for him.  Only he can choose that. 

The only thing that I have any say or control over is if I have the strength to do what I need to do, if he chooses the other.  I feel that I do.  I have done enough personal work to honor the fact that I have to listen to my belly.  And my body tells me loud and clear that if he needs to stay in that other kind of life and place, with people who I feel are extremely dangerous for his physical, emotional, mental and financial health, I must, for my own heart, step away.  Because it is too hard to see what is happening, witness that kind of corruption, selfishness and greed and not get upset.  He almost died.  And looking at the hospital records.  The blood and urine tests, it is clear to me that if he goes back, he is in danger.  So to stay, yelling “911!  Danger!  Danger!“  And not be heard.  To allow myself to be in a situation where I see the de-railed train heading for the brick wall, and not be able to do anything to stop it or to help.  Who needs that kind of stress?  Especially when the person you care so much about, chooses it?

Anyway, tomorrow morning he goes.  Is it for a couple of days like he says?  Will he be able, or even want to clean house?  Or will tomorrow be the day we close the door on fourteen years of friendship?  Whatever he chooses, even if I am no longer be in his life, I will always think of him with affection and love.

Posted by Meg Tilly on Friday, November 23, 2007 in Chewing the Fat