cobwebs from the past…

I was interviewed by a guy named Chris today.  There were a lot of movie questions and personal questions and I answered them all the best I could, but I don’t know, somehow the experience took the shine off of my maybe-I-really-am-a-real-author happiness.  Like no matter how far I come, how far I distance myself, I’ll never be seen for who I am, how I stand in my life, in the world now. 

Like on Yahoo how when you punch in my name, somebody has posted nude pictures of me.  Pictures that actually are illegal.  When I did the movie that these images are lifted from, there was no photographer allowed on the set.  I had complete photo approval.  Someone has taken pieces of the actual film and is selling and distributing them as photos. 

Now, I acted in that movie because I loved Richard Adams book.  I loved the whole complex battle between Christianity and Paganism.  I thought the book was beautiful and was passionate about Karin.  I agreed to do the movie for what amounted to a tiny fraction of what I usually got paid because I fell in love with the character.  And then when I saw the directors cut of the movie, yes, the movie was shot on an extremely low budget, but oh my, I was proud.  I thought that perhaps it was some of the best work that I’d ever done. 

Imagine my shock, when I went to the Premier several months later and saw the horrific mess the producers had made of this labor of love.  They didn’t understand what they had.  Each piece of the movie was like a tiny puzzle piece.  Each part important to the whole.  They thought the movie was too long, so they cut it.  Not by gently lifting a sentence here and a sentence there.  No, they hacked away at it with an sledge hammer.  “Oh, this scene is too long, let’s cut it in half.“  Whack.  What they didn’t understand is you can’t just cut a scene in half.  Cut of the whole back end off it, because then there is no reason for the beginning. 

I think it was a language thing.  Being from a different country, culture.  Not understanding the nuances of what was being said. 

Heartbreaking.  I almost quit acting after seeing how they brutalized Karin.  It felt like a rape. 

And now, someone has lifted frames from that movie and have posted them on the Internet, out of context, nude photos of me as Karin, illegal photos, and it feels like a violation all over.  Not just to me, but to my children as well.  And my heart hurts.

And I don’t know why, but in the interview today, I felt like a thing again.  Like I could never wash the actress from me.  And I tried to stay big.  Stand tall in what I have accomplished, carved out for myself.  But it was hard.  And certainly, none of this is saying Chris did anything wrong.  He’s just doing his job.  Asking the questions that interest him.  I had just hoped, having written three books, being for the most part well reviewed, well received, being nominated, that that was why he wanted to talk with me.  And when I pointed out, around half way through the interview, that all the questions were about my past life, being an actress, etc. to his credit, he heard me, and asked a few writing ones.  And it’s a rare man who will really listen, hear what is being said, stop in his tracks and change his course in a generous and polite way.  A rare man indeed.  So, Chris if you’re reading this.  Thank you for that.

Posted by Meg Tilly on Friday, March 07, 2008 in Chewing the Fat