Big now

It’s early morning, dark outside, the fog horn is blowing in the distance, calm and steady, a comforting noise. 

A dream woke me.  It wasn’t a scary dream, but I got scared anyway.  I was trying to hide, it was a game, the person I was hiding from was being nice, playful.  It was kind of dark, hard to see, I was moving fast up the back stairs, holding the ball, and then I got scared.  Not the bad kind of scared, more the feeling when you are approaching a blind corner in a spook house.

Turning the corner of the stairs, and everything is all fluttery and jumpy inside, my feet can’t help but do a scared dance, even though I know it’s silly.  But what if he has gone the other way and is waiting in the dark, around the corner to roar at me.

My step-father used to do that.  Hide around corners, in the dark, leap out and roar.

But this guy is not my step-dad.

I get to the top of the stairs, time is running out.  I have to make a decision.  He is looking for me now.  I can either run down the hall and look for another place, or I can hide here in the shadows.

I slip into the shadows. 

I am good at that.  Melding, blending in with shadows.  People can walk right by, see nothing.  But you have to be good at it.  Hold absolutely still, be silent.  Tuck into yourself, don’t even breathe.

I can hear him coming up the stairs.  My heart is hammering.  I make myself smaller, but then the slightly deflated child’s ball I am carrying, lets out a small wheeze.  It is not a loud noise, but it is enough, I will not escape detection.  And this giddy fear that almost borders on fun, but is out of control, erupts and I can’t stop noises and laughter from escaping.  I’m laughing, but I’m scared and shaking too, even though this guy is nothing like my step-dad.

And he finds me, but he doesn’t roar. 

I am kind of embarrassed at how out of control I felt.  I shake my arms to try to rid myself of the fight or flight adrenaline that is roaring through me. 

He is kind, gentle, compassionate eyes.  “You aren’t twelve anymore,“ he says.  “You’re big now.  They can’t hurt you anymore.“

And then I wake up. 

“You are big now.  They can’t hurt you any more.“  That’s exactly what Rosie O’Donnell told me after I was on the View and couldn’t stop crying.  “You are big now.  They can’t hurt you any more.“  And I used her words, when ever I got scared, on book tour for Gemma.  I used it as a mantra.  Said it to myself, over and over, and it helped.

And I lay there in my bed.  Not scared anymore.  I lay there, full of gratitude for my life, the safety and peace I’ve been able to create.  I am big now.  I can take care of myself.

Posted by Meg Tilly on Friday, January 16, 2009 in Chewing the Fat

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